True story of my chaos

We all deal with our own personal chaos. Life is not always a smooth ride and can become extremely challenging sometimes. But it's how we navigate this chaos, not what happens to us, that determines the vibration of our existence.

I've been deeply struggling with my own chaos lately, and I've meditated a lot before deciding how much of that to share with you. Especially because it involves stories other than my own, and I don't want to expose my family inappropriately.

But to be true to what I do, I cannot tell you how to navigate your own chaos and not disclose my own struggles to maintain a peaceful existence. Life will hit hard on us from time to time - possibly to give us the opportunity to grow further. That's why personal development and spiritual growth are never a one-time job but an ongoing effort.

And that's why perfect lives simply don't exist - but are all beautiful in their imperfection.

meet my chaos

We are a therapeutic foster home for two young girls as well as parents to our biological daughter and my stepdaughter:

One of our daughters is chronically suicidal. She has been in two mental institutions in the last 4 months. She writes scary things in her journal and has active visual and auditory hallucinations. We have alarms on the doors and knives locked up. We make sure she is asleep before we go to sleep. Steve or myself are constantly in a room with her. In order for her to work through difficult situations, she needs fast walks, cold showers or baths, 8-minute exercise routines, yoga Nidra, breath, music, distraction, drawing, fidget toys - every day, all day. 

She is also one of the most tender-hearted humans I’ve ever met. She’s kind and sweet. She is thoughtful and laughs at almost all of my jokes. She is affectionate and loving. She helps without being asked; asks when she can help and genuinely wants to enjoy her life. But she is very ill.

Our other daughter is suicidal and homicidal and is currently in a mental institution. She is seeing shadows and hearing voices telling her to do things. She is irritable and moody.  She is capable of hiding in her bed and saying “I’m fine” to every question regarding her state of mind you can think of. When she told us of her symptoms, we were blindsided. We had no idea. She was our stable kid. The one who took care of stuff, who knows where the extra ketchup is and the garbage bags. The kid who will talk your ear off and has been the mayor of the playground since Kindergarten. She’s a great kid whose complex childhood trauma has been triggered by a horrific couple of years. She’s coming home on Monday. :)

We also have a  child with explosive ADHD who has trouble regulating her emotions and managing frustration and sings (at the top of her lungs) constantly. She cries every day at the smallest disappointment. She knows that her explosiveness triggers the other two and she feels ashamed, despite my best efforts to minimize that. Her shame breaks my heart.  She hangs her head when she cries and says ”I’m sorry” 10x a day - even when I tell her, over and over and over, that she has nothing to be sorry for. She told me last night she wants to switch bodies with someone so she can see what it feels like to be someone else; because being her is hard. 

I am actively building a business in the midst of all of that and oh, I had a relapse in June that lasted the whole month. 

So, you can imagine what has been brewing in the background between me and my husband. 

Which leads me to the fight. 

The fight I had with my husband

My husband and I are two avid meditators and devout practitioners of living consciously and compassionately so even with ALL of our tools we STILL took all of the fear and anger and frustration about all of this and shot it at each other like laser beams. 

And guess who initiated the attack?  Me.

All of my subconscious material rose to the surface. My pattern of not feeling supported (even when I’m being supported). My pattern of expressing anger outward (dirty looks, yelling, snotty remarks). My pattern of hiding in my work and writing when it all gets too big (and then denying I’m doing all that).

And there you have it, folks.  CHAOS. 

Are there moments of calm in there?  Sure. 

Is there clarity?  Definitely. 

But it is not within my integrity to teach you that shifting from chaos to calm is something that is done once and voila - life is changed.

No. No. No.

LIFE WILL CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE US TO GROW

Life will poke you. Life will trigger you. Life will expose all of your vulnerabilities and all the parts of yourself you wish you didn’t have. Life will do that. Because life happens for us, not to us.

My current life landscape is a gift. A strange and difficult gift, but a gift nevertheless. 

Steve and I are skilled and capable of leading our children through the fire they are experiencing.  Steve and I are able to redirect back to each other and have super hard conversations until we find the truth and soften back into our love. We are able to take very good care of ourselves with meditation, yoga, exercise, diet, mindset, and conscious communication most of the time. We get off track, but we always get back on track. Because we know what track works. 

But it doesn’t always feel calm. I cry every day. I hide in the bathroom. 

But I can shift myself back. I can get back on track. I know how to do that for myself. And this is what I want to teach. 

CONSCIOUS TRANSFORMATION

Over the next six weeks, I'm going to be teaching the Six Facets of Conscious Living to you one by one - via my real-life examples.  Like how do you stay in the present moment and watch your breath when your 10-year-old is writing on the floor in a tantrum because loading the dishwasher is “hard”.  Or how do you stay in gratitude when your kid wants to kill you? Like, literally. 

What does this ACTUALLY look like in real life?  

I’m going to tell you. I’m going to tell you what chaos and calm REALLY look like. And how you can apply these six facets into your life to create conscious transformation and get back on track whenever chaos drags you. Stay tuned.

Thank you for reading all of this. I am truly grateful to share so I may serve in some way.

If you feel the urge to create conscious transformation in your life and need someone to guide you through it, let’s talk. Click below to schedule a free call. I will love to hear your story and discuss how I can help you navigate your own chaos towards a more peaceful existence.