Being Unconditional

A few weeks ago I had an epic meltdown.

The “why” of my meltdown isn’t really that important. We all have plenty of material going on in our lives that can provoke a meltdown.

What is important is what came of it. 

After I calmed down, had a big ol’ cry and a long walk I reflected on how I want to experience my life. 

Do I want to experience life in full-on resistance when things don’t go the way I want them to?

No, I don't want to experience that. No way. 

Yet, I did. I resisted the shit out of the uncomfortable experience I was having - and then, I resisted the feeling of that resistance.

Thus the meltdown.

What I REALLY want for myself (and for you) is to be okay with whatever is happening.

Unconditionally.

What I REALLY want for myself (and for you) is to be okay with whatever I am feeling.

Unconditionally. 

What do I mean by unconditionally?

As I am writing this, an example just presented itself.

It is morning and I just finished meditating. I had an urge to write this so I stayed in my quiet room where I could be undisturbed. 

Steve comes in to do his yoga practice. Puts classical music on the bluetooth speaker, kinda loud, and disturbs my concentration.

I’m irritated. I get up and go to the kitchen hoping the kids are sleeping in.

My mind starts to stir up the agitation with stories about how rude that was. My body gets tense and I can feel my annoyance bubbling in my belly.

And I pause. I feel my body and take some breaths. I ignore the thoughts and allow the sensation of annoyance to take over my entire body. It's fiery and tight at the same time. I don’t resist it or try to push it away or make it wrong. I just let it roll over me like a wave. It rises, crests and recedes in less than a minute.

Then it's gone. I look around and see that Steve made smoothies for the girls and he made my tea. 

I soften even more. I’m back to my internally peaceful place.

Reflecting: 

Was I ok when Steve came in and turned on that music? No. My immediate reaction was annoyance, which is a feeling. 

I could have held onto that feeling of annoyance all morning, stirring it up with internal stories of righteousness. This would have created tension between Steve and I because my inner peace was conditional on my not being disturbed.

Well, shit. If our inner peace is conditional on getting what we want, all the time, we have a problem.

If our inner peace is conditional on us never experiencing any type of adversity; it will continue to elude us.

I want our inner peace to be unconditional. No matter what happens, we can access it. No matter what we feel, we ride the wave of it and wash up on the shores of peace every single time. 

My practice is moving towards not just unconditional acceptance for what is happening, but unconditional love. 

Can I LOVE that Steve came in and interrupted my concentration with his music? 

YES!!

Because look at the cascade of awareness that ensued!!  It gave me the opportunity to practice connecting with my inner peace by experiencing, full on, my annoyance. By riding it out, without any resistance whatsoever, and landing on the other side.

To hot tea and a quiet kitchen.

Would I have landed as peacefully if there was no tea and the kids were awake waiting for breakfast?

Not sure. In all honesty, probably not. But because this is my desire; to love WHATEVER happens, my Sacred Self is giving me opportunities to practice this.

In big and in small ways. 

I’m going to love it all as best I can.