The Antidote for Guilt and Shame

Today, I slept through my meditation practice. 

I usually wake up before the alarm. But today I was in a deep sleep and my alarm pulled me out of a dream. So, I went back to sleep. Mostly I tossed and turned and tried to sleep. I didn’t meditate.

In the past, skipping my morning practice would have sent my thoughts reeling into a spiral of self-criticism and admonishment. There was an aura of that, but it was not fully expressed. However, the aura was enough to inspire me to share what I've learned about guilt and shame.

We all experience it on some level. For me, it has always shown up in my capacity to have a disciplined spiritual practice. My perfectionist thoughts would outline exactly what my practice should be. It should start at 5am, be this long, this deep, etc. And if I strayed from that self-inflicted rigidity (which I often did), the shame and guilt sensations would arise and I would respond with some internal ass-kicking, followed by numbing.

This is part of a shame pattern we all experience in some form or another. We may not even recognize it as shame. It is just pain. Pain from some unresolved or unprocessed wounds (i.e. trauma) that lies within our psyche. Pain that we immediately turn into a reaction of some sort.

This is why the practice of awareness is so vital to our growth and healing. In this case, awareness of our reaction is key. Recognizing how we respond to the feelings of guilt or shame helps us to see that there is something within us that is unprocessed or unresolved in some way. 

This year has triggered us all in different ways. One common theme is that whatever circumstances you find yourself in, your unhealed and unprocessed wounds are getting stirred up and brought to the surface. This is a good thing. Do not be addicted to comfort. Lean into the discomfort you experience and see what gold can be mined. Shame and guilt are heavy vibrations. They keep us immobile and frozen, stuck in some crucial way. We can begin the process of healing our unprocessed shame and guilt reactions with awareness and breath. 

Observe, feel, and watch your reactions. These are some common reactions and some suggested antidotes. Do you recognize yourself in any of them? I sure do.

Blame and Shame Reaction

Some of us have a tendency to project out what we don’t want to feel within. We get angry. We blame others. We are critical. We rage. We see this a lot online; this reaction has more freedom to express itself when there is not an actual person in front of us. This reaction is toxic to our relationships with others. It causes conflict again and again.

Blame and Shame Reaction Antidote

Notice the sensation of wanting to project outward, whether in written or spoken word. Notice the story that feels real. Feel what this feels like. Drop the story. Feel the feelings some more. Breathe. Keep dropping the story, no matter how compelling and righteous the thoughts make it out to be. Feel your body’s sensations. Breathe. Drop the freaking story. Breathe. Feel. Breathe. Feel. Over and over. 

Perfectionism Reaction

This is simply pointing our attack energy inward. This is my go-to reaction. When shame or guilt arise within you, the automatic reaction is to self-criticize and tell yourself in different ways that you are not good enough. You hold yourself up to impossible ideals. You are hard on yourself in ways you would never be to others. Grace is something you give others, but never yourself.

Perfectionism Reaction Antidote

Feel this reaction. Give yourself a break. Tell yourself you are doing your best with what you have in this moment now. Notice the internal response to that affirmation (it's likely some form of “Hell, no, you are not doing your best!”) and ignore it. Feel your body. Watch your breath. Feel, breathe, give yourself love and grace. Feel, breathe, grace. Feel, breathe, grace. Repeat.

Denial Reaction

Checking out. Boy, oh boy, we all do this. Sensations of guilt and shame send us right to Netflix, ice-cream, intoxicants, etc. We disassociate from our bodies and, likely, also our thoughts. We numb. If this reaction is keeping you stuck or frozen or you check out daily, then the pain you are numbing is ready for resolution. 

Denial Reaction Antidote

Be brave and surrender. The fear of feeling pain is often more painful then the feeling itself. Become aware of your numbing behaviors and see them for what they are: a reaction that prevents you from processing pain. Depending upon what your behavior is and how hard a time you have with stopping, you may need to seek help in the form of a therapist or a counselor. Asking for help is always a good idea, especially if you have difficulty accessing and feeling your emotions. Those who have difficulty being in their bodies while feeling difficult emotions should do so with a skilled and compassionate professional guiding them.

I’ve learned, as I awaken and continue to process my own unhealed wounds, that kindness is of paramount importance. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Ask for help when you need it. This year has given us all a rough ride. Be soft with yourself and those around you as best as you can.