When it's not what you think its going to be
Here I am in June…
School is almost out! The weather is great. Teacher training is wrapping up and soon I will be on a beach.
Soon I will have some fun.
Here I am in July:
Boy am I feeling the pull of the summer. All I really want to do is hang out by the beach or the pool with my family. To sleep in and move slowly. To not have anything on my calendar.
Alas, schedule is full. Kids are in camp. Getting ready to lead a retreat in Guatemala.
Looking forward to August. My mind is daydreaming about Glamping with my sister on Watch Hill (it’s a thing!) and trying paddle board yoga in the Great South Bay.
Here i am in August:
I have shingles and why on earth would I think that glamping with 6 kids and two grown-ups would be fun?
September Awakening:
Right after Guatemala this summer I was diagnosed with shingles. Likely cause? Decreased immunity due to chronic stress. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I had thought I was doing well. Handling it. But I wasn't. My pattern to overwhelm myself (and not even know it) was rising to the surface to be cleansed. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But before that happened, I had to relapse. I relapsed back into smoking marijuana daily. First for the shingles pain and then for the emotional overwhelm I felt of being sick, having kids off all summer and feeling like I did not have a handle on ANYTHING.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
And then I found all my journals from 1998 - 2005. I read every page and saw there were two versions of me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Alyssa 1 practiced a lot of yoga and meditation. She saw the light in herself and others. She loved herself and others. She was happy.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Alyssa 2 was in a cycle of heartbreak and numbing. Looking for love on the outside and never finding it. She was hard on herself and constantly thinking she should do better. She felt that marijuana was a monkey on her back.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It would seem that Alyssa 2 came in for a visit this summer. For just enough time to be seen and for me to wake up enough to pour love all over her. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Reading my words opened my heart to myself. My sweet, earnest nature. My damn "not enoughism" pattern. My desire to love and be loved. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I've been on the path of growth and transformation for 20+ years. The deeper it goes, the more love I uncover for myself.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So I'm back now. In the process of deep breath work with my teacher and feeling more connected to myself and others than i've felt in a long time. I'm off all intoxicants. Except coffee. I drink coffee again, okay⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Moral of the story for me?
The deeper I make friends with the present moment, the more deeply I understand and accept myself.
When I truly love and accept myself and ALL THAT IS HAPPENING. Wow.
Life is really nice. Even if I’m not on a beach.
